A.P.

A.P.

i'll tell you what i've seen
what i say to you has not been influenced by the observations of my friends or parents
they are all from my own experiences with you
there are areas of your life where you are mature, and areas of your life where you need to grow in. just like anyone else
i've seen you be generous and courteous toward others. especially, you are receptive to people that appear to need help
that comes from the gentle spirit that's in you
in your heart, you want to do good and do what's right
but sometimes, it gets clouded by your own hurt and selfishness
you have a taste for exploration and wanting to learn new things
but, inside you there is a fear of also being wrong and of discovering things you don't understand
sometimes, that fear manifests itself in anger or frustration
and you shut yourself down for a moment, blocking every new thing out while you try to make sense of what you already understand
it's like you're afraid to ask yourself, "do i really know as much as i think i do? what if i don't understand?"
you're inquisitive and investigative when you're not afraid
and when you're open to a new experience, you do embrace it and apply to everything you can think of
you love share. you try to share everything you have
because, deep down, you love people and you want to include as many of them as you can in your life

you fight with yourself and argue with yourself a lot
you have a lot of inner conflicts
because you can take in so much when you're experience something different
it's like, you want to believe in everything because they all seem right
but you know that isn't possible
so you're stuck while you try to choose which ideas are the right ones for you
and it scares you sometimes
because you care about what people think of you
and are afraid they will think poorly of you if you choose the wrong ones
you're very emotional. i've told you that before
you're emotions come from connecting with people
you FEEL your connections

and your emotions are tied to them
and tied to your memories of those connections
i feel like that's part of why they are so intense
and you have to hold them back a lot, mostly because of the nature of your job
though not directly, you're told to be the opposite of the kind of man you are: an emotional man

yes, you THINK logically
but you actually spend more of your time living from your heart
you've recently started to try living life from your mind
and that's not a life for you
the heart is the best place to experience life from. and that was where you used to be
until your heart kept getting hurt
so you try to live from your mind now, where there is no feeling
and it's a dry existence for you
you want your life to be full
but you're not sure how to make it full yet

you want to have a future
you want it to be good and peaceful
full of lots of good memories
but you don't know how to get there yet
you love your family
you love people
but you can't understand why people don't always love each other
that bothers you
that frustrates you
all these different conflicts
they ignite your emotions
and sometimes that causes you to lose control of them
when you're a situation that strikes one of those inner conflicts
you don't mean to hurt anyone while you try to bring your emotions back into control, but it happens
and it frustrates you even more
so you combat your heart by using your mind
by using logic to tie your emotions back up; to put them back into place
and in way, it has helped you
by teaching you to put a situation into perspective
as opposed to allowing yourself to be swept away by what you're feeling at that moment
but you still need more time learning how to manage that
and more time learning how to step outside of yourself
to look at life, or a situation, from the perspective of another person that is involved
you know how to understand your own feelings very well
because you are so emotionally in tune to yourself
but you still don't fully comprehend how to understand the emotions of other people; empathy

but you're capable of it, because you are compassionate deep down
and have a love for people
overall, you're still growing
you're a man, physically
but emotionally and mentally, you're still developing the tools to control yourself
you feel things intensely
or you shutdown and try not to feel anything at all
but really, you're just suppressing what you feel
like you're living on extremes
suppression isn't always bad
you can't burst into tears while you're at work
it's about timing it
and you're still learning how to do that
how to time when you release your emotions
and how to regulate them when you do

you love memories
you love good ones
that's why you hang onto so many things
especially gifts and pictures
because they remind you of all of your good memories
and you're afraid to lose those things
because, to you, it's like losing those memories
or forgetting about those people
you don't want to forget about them because you never stop caring about them
even though they may not be there anymore
and you don't want them to forget about you
to you, forgetting means not caring
so you hold onto everything
but it's so much work for you
so much to keep track of
it leaves you so little room for new things
new memories
and you don't even realize it
but, you have one endless reservoir you probably never tried tapping into
you're own heart
*your
you can't hold onto every memory
but you can hold onto the feeling
because you have so many emotions. a lot of them are familiar to you

there are feelings you are able to identify within yourself that other people wouldn't be able to name
remember how the person, the experience,  made you feel
if you can't recall the particular person or experience yourself
in the end, that's what you're really seeking
not that specific instance in time, when you were with that person, visiting a particular place, or doing a specific thing
you're looking for the way it made you feel

remember the good things that were
but don't hold onto to so much that there's no more room for the new things that are there
or that will come
that was how i felt when we were together
you were so occupied with holding onto your old memories that you weren't focused on making new ones with me
holding onto the past too much makes you unavailable for the present
and keeps you from having a future
it holds you back from meeting new people and going to new places
it holds you back from enjoying what you have now
your fear of not knowing keeps you from being available to learn
i felt like you never asked me for my opinion when we were having a conversation because you were afraid of learning something from me
or afraid of discovering something you didn't understand

as for the way you speak
you are articulate
you want people to know that are you intelligent, so you speak like an intelligent person
but sometimes you say things that come off as condescending
or just flat out ignorant
but because no one has ever complained to you about it before, you don't notice it
to you, there is no problem with what you say
you're just expressing your own thoughts

what you're not used to is the way your thoughts get interpreted by someone different from you
that is where the problem is
the way you interpret something can be different from the way someone else interprets something
you're not used to considering that when you speak
and you're not used to be challenged on what you way
*say
*being challenged on what you say
in general, you hate disagreements
you hate arguing
you try to avoid conflicts
because that was what you grew up with; arguing and fighting
but be aware, what you grew up with is still manifesting itself in your life
as anger
it's there
i see it
and it is at its worse when you are fighting

these are the things i've seen

The will to Write

The will to write is strong with this one...

I suppose I should stop being lazy and start discussing out my vast philosphy and thoughts once again.

So far, all that is kept inside will only be bottled up as emotions, and then the intangible idea will be lost...therefore I must write it down.

To keep record of one's thoughts is to have the ability to analyze and rearrange one's mind, body, and soul.

Holy...First post for 2011!?

I just realized that this--well actually the other post--- was the first post for this year!

wow..times fly when you are busy, depressed, doing stuff, working out, training, and eating..oh and sleeping...did I mention dreaming?

Anyway yeah, Scattered Thoughts, and Deepening Woes....The Watchmonk is back >:]

This Week! In Re-Cap!

Okay, just a forwarning...Imma just list a buncha facts...

Here it goes:

-We found a cute armadillo burrowing on top of a mound during one of our trash pick up detail.
-I found a grasshopper jumpin around my feet while I was walking through the grass.
-The moon looked gorgeueous the other night.
-I got sick from one of my buddie's sinus's too. In fact, several others got sick from it as well. Damn congestions..

-Finding a box size trash in the middle of nowhere can lead to more trash pick up, especially once the car stops, you can easily see all the tiny details--which leads to OCD (or at least for me and this other highspeed sargeant).
-We found enough tire parts to build a new tire...or two. lol
-This whole week was hectic. our platoon was duty platoon for several details, and we had some other scheduled and unscheduled events.
-I had a random pissed test despite having to be forced to go in full battle rattle on a detail day. So much for running back and gettin the armor.
-PCs are now the style on post.

The Times have Changed...

The Times have Changed...

That is the new theme I have been working on. It echoes throughout my head...my mind..and my body... It also actually describes how I conduct myself now, my physical appearance, and my mental sharpness.

I can hear that phrase over and over as I see things happening...especially when I see people becoming what they are not used to be. The times are a changing...just like the song from Watchmen.

I started to think of this ever since I lost Michelle while I was training in the Army. In fact, not just Michelle that showed me how weak people are, but my fellow comrades in arms as well. Some of them got "Dear John" letters saying that thier wives (or husbands) dont love them anymore...

Now to me, that is quite sad. For instance, in my case, Michelle and I were apart barely for 9 weeks..and thus she found one of her roomates, a guy named Eugene, to be her new love. Eugene isnt the only problem. I also realized that her friends/roomates also influenced her. She changed slightly. More outgoing and desiring of friends.

A much truer story would involve Tony and Connie's predicament. Tony became more of a math nerd in college all while Connie became a more open and independent person or something like that (as told by Albert). The point is..Connies friends has something to do with it..her new friends from college. I saw this evidently through a group picture of hers. No one there I knew surrounded Connie in that pic.

The Army changed my life...for the better..

I've learned alotta new life lessons while I was in the Army. These lessons show me how small and yet big we are in this world. How frail and weak and yet how strong we can become. Its like a dime with heads and tails, a contradiction, a paradox.... Compare a strong minded man like Andrew Ryan, an objectivist electrophysicist, to a gentle man like the Dalai Lama.. In fact, this is one of the things I've learned, to be strong or to be humble--there is a balance in between that I must lie.  If you are too strong minded, then you are stubborn and will not have peace in your heart, but if you are too humble, then you will let others push you around...

Another lesson I learned is that girls, once they taste "love", they will always be searchin for who has it. This is perhaps one of the biggest break throughs in my philosophy. For instance, I noticed that (using the life theme of change) even though the widow's husband has passed away, she will move on, finding support from another (that all depends on age tho) And vice versa. hmm perhaps this is too complicated for me to discuss right now...or I've hit a lazy writers block.


whew, man has it be awhile since I last wrote! I'll be continually editing my postsand making sure my philosophy is known, or at least grammatically correct.

To be Continued...

The Return and the Dump

This is what it means..The Return and the Dump(haha...literally -_-)...

I have returned! My mind and concience has put a lot of philosphies on halt but it quickly gain and restarted new ones.

There are soo many thoughts I must jot down, otehrwise it wont be told.

Basic Training

Advanced Individual Training

Newfound Glory

The World Makes me Sad...
MNN broke up with me. I woke up single one fine saturday.
The eastern girls. The hooking ups. The problems of relationships. The weaknesses and frailty of ppl.
The idiocracy of individuals. The

The Augusta Marriot Suites
Beer and the boring world.

Coraline, Better Days to Come


oh and I finally think I should make a tumbler.

this place is slowly dyin away...and also it brings bad memories...because she deleted one of her posts( the story of us) and thatwas my fav one becuase itdetails how it all started and "how we never met"

Special Post! Dedicated to Karissa, Uyen, and Yong

As the title states....this is for them, the 3 and me make the 4 during deanza, man it was fun.

I have little time to write, but I'll try to make it good

Thanks Uyen for your card! I really appreciate it. I was actually caught offguard xD

Thanks Karissa, I am glad to have met you two and be your friend :3

Thanks Yongs, I will write to you and with you,  Karissa and Uyen can see it too :D

I can feel the love even more from all three of you guys ><

 It was fun drinkin and eating one last time at Quicklys

As the night falls, and the early morning rises..I am excited and anxious beyond all reason..this is it...its show time! >:]

Jesus

"Why do you follow Catholicism?"

Its the way, its the truth.

"But why do you follow it so? What is truth but a fact? and this cannot be proven."

The fact of the matter is that Jesus is Truth.  Some things cannot be proven without evidence, this is where faith comes in. Those who have faith will need no explaination and those who has none, no explaination will do. The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence

"Catholicism teaches stuff from the Bible, and the Bible is a bunch of lies" (forgive me God for saying that x.x)

Because..well..I am too lazy to explain the theatrics, but know this, Man is only so smart that he must be explained to through the uses of symbolism, metaphors, and lessons. Tell me, if an angel really existed, or some supernatural being really did existed (which it does) will it be smarter and stronger than man? Most Probably.

Anyway  the main point is the idea of love and sacrifice. God is the only one that loves you beyond anything else. Who else would do it? Jesus so loved mankind that he gave his life for all of us. Now the question is..would you give up your life for a person you love? or persons you love? or for a random homeless stranger? Now now before anyone starts anything, I hope you see that most of the time we care only for ourselves and our loved ones. Jesus is the only man that can do this 100% without fail or hesitation. He did it once, and he changed the world. You do it once, and you probably will too.

Good Bye, San Jose

This is it.

A moment of impending monumentum, anxiety, and excitement.

Thus the beating of the Commencement.

Currently the best music to listen to as of late before departing would be "Turn the Page" by Metallica, "Audience of One" by Rise Against, and " Libera Me from Hell " You can also listen to it while reading this! :] It matches I suppose.

But first, a bit of a warning and update. My cellphone will not be my cellphone anymore. It belongs to my brother now. If you have my cell number on your cell dont call me until further notice. Apparently my dad took away my cell and car like the jerk he is. And also there might be a small chance an old man will call. Dont worry, like I said, slim chance, but if he starts acting up again...then you can--will-- resist him.

And also I will be deactivating any accounts, or in this case, be inactive for quite some time. I will be unplugging everything including my compooter, finalizing everything in the house, and yeah.

It was fun here for the last...10 years (the other years were at my old nieghborhood and school, but I guess i can count them too making it 18 years). Grew up in the Bay Area, specifically San Jose. Never really traveled much save my father's ridiculous idea of a travel/vacation is to go to Tahoe (when not snowing) to gamble or to go to the lake. Or to Las Vegas, Reno, and  for the same thing. The only place I can truely remember traveling was Disneyland and San Diego, and that was it. Im pretty sure many other have traveled far more than me but then some others arent so fortunate to even travel at all. So I am not complaining. I am going to grow up. :D

ANYWAY. I have known this place my whole life, and now its time for me to move out and start going off on my own. I will be missing everyone here. I remember being homesick for a month or two after I enlisted. I was lamenting on Deanza's community and stuff. But now I feel even more "final". As I look back, This will be my last time here in San Jose, from then on, I will no longer be here, seeing Brigadoon Park, living near SC, touching my games, burrowing in my comfy bed, and the such. Last time for everything I suppose!
Every last feeling, breath, sex(just kiddin about this part), food, family/friend time, and gaming must be felt.


There are and were soo many important things that I must write down, but I cannot recall, especially for this post. I am blatantly tryin to compose sentences meanwhile keeping my current ideas from falling out. OMFG theres soo much to write!!!

and now I am doing a memory dump. I may forget all of these things after I come back--which is probably a good thing or not.. But actaully, its a good thing that I am writing this. I will be "changed" by this experience and Lily doesnt want me to change too much, for I don't know what lies ahead. However I am me will always be me abeit more mature and likewise, "changed".

If you arent too curious, you can skip to the end. (especially skip the Regrets sections as they are VERY PERSONAL)

----These are to specific peoples---

To Yongs
Holy Friggin Cow, I am so glad to have met you before I leave. You are actually a great friend I never had. You may be a bit scary sometime, but overall practical and kind. Oh, and you're "Korean". :] Never had any Korean freinds before (Albert doesnt count cause hes more viet and Eugene--I dont see him as Korean )
ANYWAY, you are a true caring friend.  Thanks for the rides and helping me with my outlook on certain events. But most of all Thank God that we both took Asian "Pornstar" Lit Class together and became friends.

To Guambeast/Eric/Frederick/Gummy/Guam
Thanks for everything man. I find it funny how we started knowing each other on XBOX Live more than we do in real life. and then we started hanging out and well, t'was fun~. Thanks for Wingstop and gaming late nights with Tim and Cang and me. You really are a good guy and well..take care. Game On, Game Hard, and Live Free

To Cang
You're a good kid who needs more sleep or better yet, a faster internet.

To Tim
You crazy bastard of a bitch. Been Fun. and Game On

To Michael/Mikhael
Keep rockin it out, Play Xbox Live with Tim and Guam and you never took me to Rohos :o

To Andy
T'is a shame me and you and My coudlnt hang out. But the good thing is that I know that you are a good person, and a very how you say...respectful-about-girls-type-of-shy-guy and I hope you do well and become a pro at Naginata(spelling?) and also..Man Up especially with...Mandy..or someone >.> But then agian you are a really good friend, compatible even with girls with bfs and me and Albert :D Well, Game on, and keep Albert safe from himself lol

To Albert and Jess
You really do have a heart. It's been fun. Take good care of Jess this time around >:] and Jess, I told you~ ;D
You guys were just too perfect for each other.

To Jose, Elaine, and family
You're a really funny guy you know that? Sorry for telling you so late, I didnt know until it was too late. Anyway! I hope your family loves the gift that we gave to you and I also love that you got me a blessed rosary :] Thanks, I will take it with me. Its been fun ever since I met you 4 years ago as of now. Much Love, man.
I guess you will probably also look after things here too like my brother, my mom, and well..my remaining friends lol Live Free, Die Hard, >:] and Stay out of Trouble! x]

To Catty
My little sister who is now in London, I suppose youll be missin me along with the others :s I'm sorry I coudlnt see you off when you did. But know this, I will be back :] It has been fun chatting amongst you, Conny, and Taylor. lol you little girls and your problems. But it was fun helpin you out and well..being a big brother to a little sister that I never had (streetwise or bloodwise) :]

To Noa
My 2nd Deanza Friend. It was an interesting summer with you and David, and Kason, and Quyen and the rest of the "Nussons" of EWRT211. Have fun with your band tour and Egyptian studies and music therapy!

To Kason
You were my first Deanza friend/buddy there and like..I still remember you gave me your half of a sandwhich. Go Scare David again :D (he has a facebook)

To David
4th Deanza friend..Sorry for leaving you :s and also...for scaring and laughing at your Kason moments..which reminds me..Kason! go get him ;D

To Quyen
It was fun doing karaoke and hanging outwith steph and the gang at least once. And I suppose youll be telling me ur outrageous stories when I come back ;D But also, thanks for being my 3rd Deanza Friend :] dont drink and drive or do drugs!! D:

To Lily
lol the wife of my friend and also a friend of mine. It was good listening to you and helping you with your problems. And also Thanks for caring about me and giving info and  talking about Army and personal stuff :3
Don't worry, I wont change so drastically like from Lawful Good to Chaotic Evil xD But I'll be more mature and more stronger and well, still silly old philosphical interesting me ;] I never knew you were pretty cool and had similar problems like I do all this time :O Keep your health!! Stay Well!! and Eric will be alright. Our Prayers will make everything alright.

To my Asian Lite "Pornstar" Fam Bam
I will never look at some things the same way again..It has been fun with you guys, learning, rationalizing, and opening up in the community class. I will look at the world and wonder, "Where are the Asians?" especially in America and some top places.

To my RCIA.
Walking the Faith has never been soo much more interesting. Thanks Kurt, Jack, Matt, Anna, Joven, and Sr Lan along with the class. Thank you for the gifts and the blessings ^.^o

To everyone else.
No matter how small, you have impacted my life somehow. Either by being there, or not.
----End of Specifics----


----These are my regrets----

I am grateful for having met everyone especially Maily, Victoria, Phuong, and some others that I cant list right now. I have learned alot from talking with you and being at ur side, I suppose. But sorry for the misshaps.


Maily
Again, I am sorry for what I've done. Our friendship was too good to be a waste, and yet I was foolish. I remember those fun times during freshman, sophomore, and junior year. We laughed, rationalize and philosophized and like..were buddies till the end. In guitar, it was fun even tho the guitar was much bigger than you lol. Oh and I still remember the hug u wanted to give me, but I never took it cause I respected u and Martin's thing back then and so I was afraid of misunderstandings and backed out at the time. Pretty soon rotc and stuff was fun, u made chief and colorguard but then left.. And then there was also the military ball, Larry, and Erick Campos. aha. oh and there was once i remembered u inviting me to ur house, but I declined since I didnt had a ride or something. Which also reminds me, I cant believe my house was the hotspot hang out freshman year until my mom started complaining lol.  Ahhh I was looking back on my yearbooks and saw that u were in Jose Valdez. Brings back memories as to how long weve actually known each other. How well we get along, and interact..*sighs* big Tony, chuck-e-cheese, movie nights...what else? oh ya Japanese, the Package...

Tis such a shame i coudlnt apologize to you in person..you were sucha good friend..Thanks for being my first True Friend. :]


Victoria
Honestly I dont know what the Fsck happened to shit a chain of reaction. All I know was, I failed at leading the econ group project cause I was busy myself with Cross Country and rotc. I know Josephine was doing her hardest too and apparently I didnt match with your guys' expectations, and I'm sorry x.x I didnt mean to bash on you and stuff but I guess it was a retaliation to being ostracized by the both of you without really an explaination x.x
ANYWAY, youve been a good friend too, although there were mishaps. I hope that all my rationalizations and philosophy that I shared with you won't go to waste and that you will probably indulge me with your set one day. Thanks for everything, I suppose, Second(?) True Friend. :]

Phuong
I am sorry for all the things I've wronged you. I was never really ready. All u gotta know is that I really loved you back then and that I still care for your well being even though you may not be you right now.

Thanks for everything that you have done back then, I really really appreciated it, My First...

Tony
Sorry to have not been a better friend. We apparently must have lost each other and misunderstood and strained each otehrs relationship so far that...well..here we are..
But thanks for being a fun friend when we were still growin up

Martin
I really dont know what to say, it seems everything I do somehow gets in ur way...and for that, I apologize, I really dont know. But thanks for being a good CG leader and yeah..

Hopefully I was in my right mind while writing htis cuase I was rushing and I dont want to offend anyone or rip up old wounds..
---end of Regrets---

True Friends come few and far and between. I dont have much, and now I cherish them.

In these last few days I have been rationalizing and well having "Last Thoughts" of what to say and what to declare appropiate and what to do. There has never been such finer moment than now. I am beginning to go at the World with only me, myself, and my Faith. I leave behind everything, materials, possessions(well most),  and friends and family, to find God (getting my sacraments), and to grow and become a stronger individual.

I will now be moving on towards a brighter future. Perhaps I'll see you guys once again.

As one of my Bob Marley-ish friends once said as he gave me his intricate signature wooden design, "One Love."

Good Bye, San Jose...

..This city doesnt suck as most would think. I see soo much potential in it esp from a wiseful humanitarian, governmental, comunnity point of view.

Some Random Facts, Thoughts

"I have Faith, not everyone does."

Nickolai Kondratiev, thanks to Glenn Beck, I now know this man's rationalization. He constructed the theory of Mutually Assured Economic Destruction- of which is why people say our economy is too big to fail. Too big? it stands on the life vein of other countries' economy and vice versa. VERY interesting idea.

Figlett. George Soro.

around 9/08/2009 was when I had my first car towed due to the spark plug dying on me x.x

Sawyer's Blade

"Chikara wa Subete"

Gosh, I love that phrase. It is more or exactly like how i heard it and thus I type it like that. Anyway, it is a phrase that Jin from Tekken has said. In fact, the entire family is revolved around it. They thirst and are hungry for power and will always rival against each other; thus the curse of the Mishima Bloodline..

But enough of that. I would like to talk about that phrase. "Chikara wa Subete" means "Power is Everything". If you have power, no one can step over you. If you try to attain power, then you have to seek it and be ruthless or at least strong about it. But no matter what power you have, all of it belongs to God. God gave us the power in the first place, although we may have claim to attain it. True, we are built to perfect ourselves, thus this is why everyone is perfect, always room for improvement.

My Dragon Age: Origins Characters

Name- Nole
Sex- Male
Class- Rogue

He is the first character of the 6 Origins. He is a human noble and so starts off with a much easier standing point. He is nice and kind, just like me. In fact, hes more of me than all the otehr characters. He duel wields weapons sometimes a sword or axe and a dagger. He has the utmost trust in his companions and is a very friendly good but sometime interesting guy. This character was more of a guinea pig as since I messed up on his stats a little bit.

Nole is a nice guy type but with rightiousness and caring. He has tattoos on his face and some interesting side cheek burns, green eyes, and short brown hair parted agove his right eye.

He was about to sacrifice himself in the end but he got Alistar to concieve the baby instead. In the end, he left everyone after Alistar became king and he began traveling with Lelenia and Zevran one last time. He'll be back..

Next up is

Lain, a Dalish Elf Warrior. She is fiesty and stylish just like Dante. She holds two handedweapons just to have smashing power. She also very abitious, always craving for power and gives no shit to anyone else even her own kin. Aggressive as she is, she will end her life in the end.

She has medium hair fergot what color..and also has tattoos on her face..light ones..



Nela, a female human mage. a good studious, and confident woman. smart and friendly like nole, but more...woman minded.


Roddy, a casteless dwarve duelwieldin rogue, the strongest since Nole


Darrian, a smart ruthless City Elf. He wants to liberate the Elves and have revenge against injustice. Indignation.


Sarah, an asian looking dwarf. hot and tanned. middle child, daughter of the Dwarf King. "Think Faith from Mirrors Edge and Real from Ergo PRoxy that type of character.


to be completed...

The Feeling of Commencement

It will hit us sooner or later. The feeling of impending doom, excitement, and anxiety--what I like to call the feeling of Commencement. It is something thatall future soldiers will face. Whether it is only after enlistment or nearing ship day. It can also go on and off..the feeling of homesickness is how i should say when i didnt even leave the city yet! and yet i feel as tho i will miss everyone here. Deanza with its wonderufl student community esp my fav asian lit class. San Jose, who alotta kids think it sucks, but its actaully quote alright and peaceful-ish. and my friends and family..

As the time gets nearer, I feel as though I must write for I have overloaded my thoughts and rationalizations and the capacity to remember it.

There are soo many things:
-the final letters to persons
-the burden of women (aptly named A Women's Burden). And they suffered more than you know. and I mean all of them.
-Global warming. Its actually global extrmeties...the temperature and stuff gets even more extreme and also everything isa factor..and teh earth is changing btw
-

Watchin Movies

Watchin movies together with others is like an adventure, in fact one of the very few and common adventures we can take as a pair, or a group. We can find the significances and experiences more meaningful and we can talk about it, expressing our emotions, ideas, and rationalizations after watchin a movie.

There is no point for me to watch it alone, otherwise no one will know what I'm expressing, rationalizing, or even talkin about. *sighs*

Watchin some movies togehrter means that you are also spendin some quality time and that you dont have to do much cause the movie is the filler. Just being next to the person means a plenty. Your very own existence throughout that time is good enough.

EYE SEE ES TWENTY FOUR

Kevin Nguyen
ICS 24
Marilyn
12/8/09

EYE SEE ES TWENTY FOUR

The quarter is at it's end. As I look back on the class, I realized that this was one big community with art, intelligence, support, and best of all, life. The goal of the LinC class was a success. This course along it's classmates really felt like another group of family and friends as it was intended to be. Whoever made it, was a genius. I see that I have changed after experiencing the course material and seeing my colleagues' art, compassion, and existence.

Marshall gave us many assignments in which we have to present ourselves and our art, and take notes of each others works. This was how I got to know a lot of the people in class (besides mingling with them). For example, Fatima made a demon story which told her experience going to the Philippines and how miserable and wet it was. I never knew that about her and now I do. Or when Xang started ranting out lyrics and voicing his dissenting opinion against Marshall's beliefs. That was eccentric since he was the few that openly disagreed, and even more so, that his style of rant was of anguish and EMINEM rap. But then again, there are some things that I found out that I, or anyone else, shouldnt have known at all such as Marshall himself.

This course was a freaking family. Compassion was everywhere needed. As each of us told our stories of past experiences, legacies, and problems, the class was always there, listening and taking it in as each information was presented and revealed. My story, Karissa's American Dream story, Yong's language story, Marshall's dick problems, Marilyn's hippy stories--hell, I realised most of our stories were international experiences or past problems, maybe even prejudices. But the main point is how we can relate to one another and how carefully we have listened and respected each other's views. I became more comfortable with talking out my view points in front of everyone and not pussy foot things like how I once did before in highschool.

But above all, just knowing my colleagues and how they even existed in this world has changed my attitude about it. There is soo much culture, ethics, love, respect, and experiences that none of us knew we had or received. I am more optimistic about America now than I ever was. I finally understood what it meant to be in a community of love, friends, and diversity. The existence of of these communities are what makes America, America. It is a melting pot of everyone and their stories. I am glad to have taken this class with Marshall, Jim, and especially Marilyn. I am more aware of my being and of other aspects and people of the world. I will be missing ICS 24.

The History Dream Final

Kevin Nguyen
ICS 24
Marilyn
12/3/09
The History Dream
Churchill once said. “History is written by the victors.” This holds true since the conqueror can gloat and glorify all he wants and show the world in his image. The concept of history in Dream Jungle is an interesting one, in which reality and fiction have been merged together in a way that its almost indistinguishable. Jessica Hagedorn merges the Philippine’s dramatic history and the filming of “Apocalypse Now” with her very own fiction and message. She uses scapegoats, and foils for each character and historical contexts to make specific references to each event as it has happened, could have happened, and never happened because history is bound to repeat itself.
The first of a few references Hagedorn makes is the idea or history of “discovery and conquest” in the Philippines. In fact, it is what the first part of her novel is called. The Philippines have been conquered and occupied by foreign invaders many times before. The Filipino people and their resources have been raped, used, and wasted time over time again and again. A good example would be the Spaniards, who have sailed by and conquered the people under their rule in the process centuries ago. Hagedorn included several excerpts from “Primo Viaggio Intorno Al Mundo” by Antonio Pigagetta, who was the travel log recorder of Captain Magellan’s expedition around the world, and she included her own fictional character, a rich Spaniard aptly named Zamora de Legazpi. Zomora de Legazpi represents a parallel foil to the wealthy Spaniards, specifically Captain Magellan and many other conquistadores, who “discovered” a group of natives, “taught” them a lesson, “took” their woman and goods, and thus “conquering” the indigenous people. There have been many references to this from the excerpt of Antonio Pigagetta when he was observing the natives such as “…and those boats resemble the dolphins which leap in the water from wave to wave. Those Ladroni (i.e., robbers) thought, according to the signs which they made, that there were no other people in the world but themselves.”(4) Or when they were in shock and awe, experiencing defeat at the lost of their beloved Captain:
One of them wounded him on the left leg with a large cutlass, which resembles a scimitar, only being larger. That caused the captain to fall face downward, when immediately they rushed upon him with iron and bamboo spears and with their cutlasses until they killed our mirror, our life, our comfort, and our true guide. (106)
Ironic isn’t it? How they referred to their captain as if something great and holy, but he, the captain, along with everyone else, just wanted gold and conquest in the name of God.
Zamora, however, is pretty much the same especially when he bosses around his servants and taking advantage with the young girls like when he was naked and lecturing in front of Rizalina. “Enough about dreams. You’d better go, little girl. Or else your mother will think poorly of me…I’ve lived up to my promise, haven’t I?...You can stop trembling now. The lesson is over.”(49) Or when Zamora is flirty, eager to have sex with many mistresses outside of his marriage such as Celia, his baby caretaker, who just had an abortion because of him. Poor little girls, you can imagine how scared they were and how much of their innocence was lost. And then there is Bodabil, a small Taobo boy Zamora found deep within the uninhabited Philippine mountain regions. This is a reference to the Talibo scam back in the day with the President and false relief fund “PIMPF” in order to gain easy money. But the point is that Zamora claimed that he discovered these indigenous people and that he will save these people from their Stone Age ways for “ who knows what’s sake”. It ended in a terrible way more or less like Captain Magellan and his men, he was soon questioned with the validity of his relief effort, losing his family, losing Rizalina, and slowly dying away, losing his significance.
Zomora’s thirst for lust and dominance is like that of the foreign conquistadores centuries ago whose justification for conquering may be nothing short of “colonialism”, a term mentioned by Ann-Lesley. Legazipi also has an interesting foil of himself, the sadistic Mayor Fritz Magbantay. Hagedorn has created the sadistic Mayor Fritz to show how devious man can be as he lectures in front of his innocent victims (just like how the invaders and Zamora did) right before he does something shameful to them. Nap, Fritz’s driver, thought of this as he witnessed Fritz lecturing to Lina inside the car later on in part two of the book: “What’s the deal with her anyway? She was just a teenage girl, slightly prettier than most, but so what?” (257)
Another reference to history would be the filming of “Napalm Sunset”—the second part of the book—which is actually the filming of “Apocalypse Now” by Francis Coppola. Hagedorn replaces Coppola with Tony Pierce, and Cowboy with Vincent Moody, and many others while keeping authenticity of the hot difficult situation of foreign Americans filming and interacting with the natives in the Philippines. History, again, repeats itself here even though it features different actors and a new scenario. Pierce, Moody, and Fritz are shown how they naturally interact with and exploit the natives. Moody acts like a father to Lina and gets with her after meeting her at a strip club. Pierce hires cheap labor for his production, bossing around everyone alike and disrespectfully considers the surrounding land to be “a venture far too deep into the heart, where savages rule and civilization does not exist” or what ever Marshall was telling us how the director perceived the Philippine land to be—possibly a meaningless toy by the end of the movie. And then you have Fritz, who just wants to sell out his land’s resources to the American actors, and many other dirty businesses. His lusting efforts with Lina mentioned earlier were stopped because of Aling Belen, the protective old lady that watches over the foreigners with condemning eyes. From the book, how she acts is like an ancient spirit and pride of the Philippine homeland, watching over the land, agonized at the sight of the looting and raping of its people and earth.
Now, here comes the validity of history of Dream Jungle. It is true that Janet Pierce did a documentary of the movie and that the actors were partying and screwing around. The Spaniards did have done a lot of things towards the people and so have many other foreigners that come and go. Its also true that there was corruption (even today) with the high ranking officials selling out their people with the Talibo scam, prostitution, outsiders, and many more.
So what is false? The only false things here—but not limited to-- are the story of Zamora and his so called tribes, the diaries, documents and testimonies, the reporter Paz, and especially the old lady Alen Beling. But even if it is false, Jessica Hagedorn creates such fictional characters that to even dismiss it as false, would be dismissing the possibility of ever having such a type of person, attitude, and existence in real life. Lets take, for example, old lady Alen Beling, who represents the ancient spirit of her people’s homeland, and compare her with many of the old Filipino people who have seen the troubles that most young people at first don’t see. How can anyone like her NOT exist? These old people should already know how shameful it is to see their country wasting away by the unguided youth and ill intentioned foreigners. Or another example would be the recorded audio tape from Paz’s mother. What ever the mother was talking about could have happened, happened, or never have happened in this world at all like when she describes how she met Paz’s father. “Purely by accident.” She says (283) How many real life people in the Philippines could say that they did this? So in essence, the way history is in Dream Jungle is cultural, personal, and ethnical subjectivism.
Jessica Hagedorn fully integrates actual history with her fiction and story telling in such a way that it’s a blend of truth, untruth, and the unknown. The possibility that even such a person, place, or thing that existed can go along so well when it is indeed fiction alongside history, is the concept of her novel, Dream Jungle. One can only dream and fantasize with the idea that such and such exists and it may not even be possible, yet it could have happened. Think of it as an equation, where the history is the formula and the variables are humans, young and old. If you replace the setting or its pieces, the history will still be the same on the account that you don’t know IF it would ever not happen. The author does just that and presents to us a story heavily based on recorded evidence and the idea of indistinguishable real life drama scenarios.

Hagedorn, Jessica. Dream Jungle. New York: Penguin. 2003

The Delgados--The Light Before We Land

Speaking of Dolls, this is perfect! Just what the Gunslinger, GitS, and many other existentialist anime talks about. Just feel like this is what happens when u become...an empty shell--an empty obedient shell. But its a pretty nice idea and song if you think about it.




In cases such as these i'd like a hand
Don't wake me up without a master plan
With black & white instead of colour
Don't you understand?
When things that once were beautiful
Are bland
And when i feel like i can feel once again
Let me stay awhile
Soak it in awhile
If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong
Buy a little time
For this head of me
Haven for us
In truth there is no better place to be
Than falling out of darkness still to see
Without a premonition
Could you tell me where we stand?
I'd hate to lose this light
Before we land
And when i feel like i can feel once again
Let me stay awhile
Soak it in awhile
If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong
Buy a little time
For this head of mine
Haven for us
Before we let euphoria
Convince us we are free
Remind us how we used to feel
Before when life was real
And when i feel like i can feel once again
Let me stay awhileSoak it in awhile
If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong
Buy a little time
For this head of mine
Haven for us





Credits to lyrics time and youtube and the band.

New Take

Apparently, it appears that my style and point of view on life is changing. No more of that melodramtic teenage angst stuff. I thought it would be nice to look back at the blogs ive done and see what I have written. And oh man, its a doozy. I mean, I sound like THAT? geez..I sound soo self centered--but isnt that the point of a blog? a personal first person entry of me me me?~

My blog has taken on a new cahnge of thought. The way it is being conducted has also been cahnged..compared with 8 monthes ago...whew oh man.. x.x

What's in a Heart?

whats in a heart?
nothing but a few pieces of flesh and gallons of blood.
just a little bit of spices and alotta iron.
but what else is there to it?
what is there ?
what is it?
ah, yes, "it"
the metaphysical realm.
the heart, the soul, and the emotions.
something that none of us could ever forget.
it is that which was born with us the minute we exist.
our very own existence lies within our heart beat.
with each beat, we are alive.
it is a miracle that we are even breathing right now.
with each contraction, a determination
with each breath we take, a testament against death.
With each heart beat, a miracle
nonetheless
(part two) add on 20091205
We take it for granted
Heart health is a serious issue
in fact, all your organs have been taken for granted
ever looked at your skin and realized
that it is the biggest if not the most visable external organ?
But you smoke, you plead, you stress, and you hate.
All those stuff arent spose to be inhibiting from the body
much less say capable of doing so.
But people do anyway. dealingwith the external
not realizing that its the internal
mind, body, and spirit

Farce of Life: Problems

We all have problems, so why should I care? I will not be a slave to others. I will not be controlled by every beckoning and every movement of that person. To hate, to despise, is to be controlled by external forces, forcing you to be under thier spell. Your very existence will be against and always troubled by thiers, no matter what they or you are doing.

We all have our own things to do, and if we consider them as an outsider and of no importance, do we really lose sight of something? Or is it good riddance? This is the dillemma I am facing. Girls do this perfectly and some guys do this as well. "I don't care, so sorry~" "That is none of my business" "Not my problem" "uh..I would do something..but as of now, I dont care" "Matters not to me, I dont give a shit"

Is this what apathy or even whats that word in that post that Tim has deleted... But anway, its something like that... Before a good thing can show up--- it gets cut off like that especially when it is of great disitnerest to a person. But that is natural, what I want to talk is along the lines of Self-Interests..

(an off topic example) Poor girls, they always want 10/A guys, but in the end, the majority of them will find it too hard or unhappy and they settle for an 8/B guy, which may be too late since theyve all got takened. Ignorance is bliss and yet, careful timing and utter ignorance is smart, secure, bliss. When we are older, thats when we are ready--but perhaps it is bio clock ticking, maybe thats why.

(slightly back on topic)
I realize theres a whole life ahead of us especially in the 20's..but can we really be happy if we dismiss things "unworthy" now and not care? will it help? will it bite back at us?