A.P.

A.P.

i'll tell you what i've seen
what i say to you has not been influenced by the observations of my friends or parents
they are all from my own experiences with you
there are areas of your life where you are mature, and areas of your life where you need to grow in. just like anyone else
i've seen you be generous and courteous toward others. especially, you are receptive to people that appear to need help
that comes from the gentle spirit that's in you
in your heart, you want to do good and do what's right
but sometimes, it gets clouded by your own hurt and selfishness
you have a taste for exploration and wanting to learn new things
but, inside you there is a fear of also being wrong and of discovering things you don't understand
sometimes, that fear manifests itself in anger or frustration
and you shut yourself down for a moment, blocking every new thing out while you try to make sense of what you already understand
it's like you're afraid to ask yourself, "do i really know as much as i think i do? what if i don't understand?"
you're inquisitive and investigative when you're not afraid
and when you're open to a new experience, you do embrace it and apply to everything you can think of
you love share. you try to share everything you have
because, deep down, you love people and you want to include as many of them as you can in your life

you fight with yourself and argue with yourself a lot
you have a lot of inner conflicts
because you can take in so much when you're experience something different
it's like, you want to believe in everything because they all seem right
but you know that isn't possible
so you're stuck while you try to choose which ideas are the right ones for you
and it scares you sometimes
because you care about what people think of you
and are afraid they will think poorly of you if you choose the wrong ones
you're very emotional. i've told you that before
you're emotions come from connecting with people
you FEEL your connections

and your emotions are tied to them
and tied to your memories of those connections
i feel like that's part of why they are so intense
and you have to hold them back a lot, mostly because of the nature of your job
though not directly, you're told to be the opposite of the kind of man you are: an emotional man

yes, you THINK logically
but you actually spend more of your time living from your heart
you've recently started to try living life from your mind
and that's not a life for you
the heart is the best place to experience life from. and that was where you used to be
until your heart kept getting hurt
so you try to live from your mind now, where there is no feeling
and it's a dry existence for you
you want your life to be full
but you're not sure how to make it full yet

you want to have a future
you want it to be good and peaceful
full of lots of good memories
but you don't know how to get there yet
you love your family
you love people
but you can't understand why people don't always love each other
that bothers you
that frustrates you
all these different conflicts
they ignite your emotions
and sometimes that causes you to lose control of them
when you're a situation that strikes one of those inner conflicts
you don't mean to hurt anyone while you try to bring your emotions back into control, but it happens
and it frustrates you even more
so you combat your heart by using your mind
by using logic to tie your emotions back up; to put them back into place
and in way, it has helped you
by teaching you to put a situation into perspective
as opposed to allowing yourself to be swept away by what you're feeling at that moment
but you still need more time learning how to manage that
and more time learning how to step outside of yourself
to look at life, or a situation, from the perspective of another person that is involved
you know how to understand your own feelings very well
because you are so emotionally in tune to yourself
but you still don't fully comprehend how to understand the emotions of other people; empathy

but you're capable of it, because you are compassionate deep down
and have a love for people
overall, you're still growing
you're a man, physically
but emotionally and mentally, you're still developing the tools to control yourself
you feel things intensely
or you shutdown and try not to feel anything at all
but really, you're just suppressing what you feel
like you're living on extremes
suppression isn't always bad
you can't burst into tears while you're at work
it's about timing it
and you're still learning how to do that
how to time when you release your emotions
and how to regulate them when you do

you love memories
you love good ones
that's why you hang onto so many things
especially gifts and pictures
because they remind you of all of your good memories
and you're afraid to lose those things
because, to you, it's like losing those memories
or forgetting about those people
you don't want to forget about them because you never stop caring about them
even though they may not be there anymore
and you don't want them to forget about you
to you, forgetting means not caring
so you hold onto everything
but it's so much work for you
so much to keep track of
it leaves you so little room for new things
new memories
and you don't even realize it
but, you have one endless reservoir you probably never tried tapping into
you're own heart
*your
you can't hold onto every memory
but you can hold onto the feeling
because you have so many emotions. a lot of them are familiar to you

there are feelings you are able to identify within yourself that other people wouldn't be able to name
remember how the person, the experience,  made you feel
if you can't recall the particular person or experience yourself
in the end, that's what you're really seeking
not that specific instance in time, when you were with that person, visiting a particular place, or doing a specific thing
you're looking for the way it made you feel

remember the good things that were
but don't hold onto to so much that there's no more room for the new things that are there
or that will come
that was how i felt when we were together
you were so occupied with holding onto your old memories that you weren't focused on making new ones with me
holding onto the past too much makes you unavailable for the present
and keeps you from having a future
it holds you back from meeting new people and going to new places
it holds you back from enjoying what you have now
your fear of not knowing keeps you from being available to learn
i felt like you never asked me for my opinion when we were having a conversation because you were afraid of learning something from me
or afraid of discovering something you didn't understand

as for the way you speak
you are articulate
you want people to know that are you intelligent, so you speak like an intelligent person
but sometimes you say things that come off as condescending
or just flat out ignorant
but because no one has ever complained to you about it before, you don't notice it
to you, there is no problem with what you say
you're just expressing your own thoughts

what you're not used to is the way your thoughts get interpreted by someone different from you
that is where the problem is
the way you interpret something can be different from the way someone else interprets something
you're not used to considering that when you speak
and you're not used to be challenged on what you way
*say
*being challenged on what you say
in general, you hate disagreements
you hate arguing
you try to avoid conflicts
because that was what you grew up with; arguing and fighting
but be aware, what you grew up with is still manifesting itself in your life
as anger
it's there
i see it
and it is at its worse when you are fighting

these are the things i've seen